To My Fantasy Fotball League -- 2010 Season Final Email

This is my final email to my fantasy league in 2010 ... The Atlanta Mob finished in 1st Place (that was me!)

Before I begin, you must know... The commish is a good friend... but he did change the rules mid season. Didn't matter - I still rolled. As for the rest of the league, I only kne Marcus.... The rest of the guys either despised my cockiness or loved my brash bragging... Regardless, it was all in good fun...

 

 

Here it is....

 

To begin, I thought it would be wise to impart my wisdom upon all of you in the league. However after some of the emails I have received today (including death threats), I have decided to impale my wisdom in you.

 

So bend over, here it comes. (and no email text has been edited where noted)

 

NOTE 1: For those of you who are narcissist, feel free to hit "Control F" and search for your name in my ramblings. However realize that the flow of the conversation could be as screwed up as the rules in this league

 

 

Dear Friends, and I use that term loosely after one of you said "F the Mob", another mentioned abusing my wife. While one demanded I remove them from my inappropriate email distro list -- and a few have begged for me to come to next year's live draft to give me the "what fer".

 

I'll start with our beloved Commish -- Neil. Neil's emails are as fun to read as listening to David Hasselhoff cover Air Supply's greatest hits. Simply painful. But in Neil's defense, he thinks exciting is; a fat chick rolling around at the beach with sand tangled in her armpit hair... I think he is just messed up. 

 

Marcus - my dear friend of ~10 years. You were absolutely right when you invited me into the league... You said, "EZ Pickens isn't just a Jazz great, it's also how we will roll through this league." And despite Neil's attempt to (how should I say) "alter" the rules, we just kept pummeling the likes of Nate, Al, Jake, Sally, Mary and all the women in this league.

 

Marcus, This just in from my wife -- She welcomes you to come back over and breast feed some more. She said you were about the same size as my son when he was 8 months, so it was just like the old nursing days. And don't get pissed at the short joke. Just because you need a stepstool to use a urinal is not my fault.

 

Jake, I know your itching to read about yourself.... but you'll have to wait. (The only itching you get right now is that little crab infection kind.) So you keep reading ... You know you have to... You know you want to .... Go ahead Jake, try to stop... You can't. Hit delete on my email -- impossible. Read on....

 

Al, my buddy Al. Oh the roller coaster you and I have been on all year. I think we started off on the wrong foot.... to quote you, "who the F are you? Take me off your sick demented emails"... ok, maybe not an exact quote, but....

 

In a message dated 10/15/2010 2:13:47 P.M. EDT, al@getmorerealty.com writes:

Dude I don't know who you are. But get me off you email list. That's some F up retarded crap.

Ahhhh the memories. Now we have become so close that you opened up enough to let me know you only let tiny asians with small hands give you happy endings. 

 

Note 2 -- Thanks all for contributing to my kid's college fund this year. When they are attending Notre Dame or Villanova I'll send your kid's Christmas cards to the Bronx Community College.  

 

Eric, I will not tell the rest of the league you enjoyed my humor.... Otherwise, you'll be on their sh!t list too... Don't worry my friend, they serve beer in hell and we'll share a few. (Marcus will be the bartender, so we will have a good laugh at everyone's elses expense while Marcus puts our beers on Nate's tab.) What do you think about that???

 

In a message dated 10/15/2010 5:48:15 P.M. EDT , estam@manhattanmortgage.com writes:

Fantastic!
Hilarious!
Thanks for laugh!!

 

Jake --

In a message dated 10/5/2010 10:44 A.M. EDT, jakegerson@yahoo.com writes:

Oh Randy, Let me start by saying my prediction of pain is not limited to my jewish brethren.  Dont you worry, yours is coming.  As for your mob,  I guess only in Atlanta, an acapella quartet that gets together to circle jerk is considered a mob

ohhhhh - I am in Pain.... you beat me so bad I ended up in the Championship Game with some of your money in my pocket... I predict that Pontius Pilot will come back and apologize for all your Jewish Brethren .... As Buddha once said....

 

In a message dated 12/13/2010 12:27:34 P.M. PST, msherman20@verizon.net writes:

Hallelujah!

 

Now for you SHERMY --

 

In a message dated 12/17/2010 10:46:17 A.M. EST, msherman20@verizon.net writes:

Don't bring a knife to a gunfight Mob!

-Buddha

I didn't even need a knife to take you down.... I spotted you a 90M lead in 110M race and you tripped over your own feet trying to run from the mob.... Can I get another Hallelujah?

 

Nate -- You've been very quiet this year.... Maybe the ride you offered at the beginning of the season didn't go as planned

 

In a message dated 8/30/2010 9:52:33 A.M. EDT, natevb2000@hotmail.com writes:

I'll be there.  I can give you a ride, Jake. 

Maybe Jake rode you, and now you feel shamed about "an experiment gone terribly wrong." I'm just sayin'..... We all know how Jake rolls.

 

Note 3 -- If I have offended anyone, anyone's wife, my mother, or your religion.... you are welcomed. You know you laughed at my emails all year. Even the F'd up demented sh!t

 

Mr Kirschenblatt -- if that is in fact your real name. You have also been extremely quiet this year.... All I know is after I asked you what you wanted from me for Hanukah, you replied

 

In a message dated 10/20/2010 11:12:18 A.M. EST, ckirschenblatt@gmail.com writes:

The cream

Maybe you need to ride with Jake and Nate next time....  knowwhatI'msayin?

 

For my peace of mind, does AMZNYC really exist? Or was this an alias for Neil's second losing team? You tell me? I never heard from this lady. (But you can see from the below email, Neil was hedging his bets)

 

In a message dated 8/19/2010 11:42:04 P.M. EDT, nshapiro@hotmail.com writes:

I was thinking about splitting the season into two eight week halves

Payoffs:

Champ: $400

Second (i.e., loser of the championship game): $250

Third Place: $175

Fourth: $125

 

Now you can stop reading.... I am done with my annual recap.

 

I have written, Jake and Al adore me... You can now pretend you deleted the email or simply pay me for my services....

 

Wait, one more thing --

 

In a message dated 12/21/2010 10:36:35 A.M. EST, jakegerson@yahoo.com writes:

And before I forget, F the mooky mob! Randy, please try to make the live draft next year. I really want to congratulate you on a great season face to face.


Still reading?? Good, I just wanted to let you know Ive got a large bag of shit with your name on it.

Jake, I can only reply to your request by saying ....

 

"I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the very blanket of the entertainment I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you hike up your skirt and pole dance."

 

I HAVE WRITTEN, YOU HAVE READ.

New Year's resolution

Sure, like everyone, I want to lose weight, get in shape and have a healthier and happier new year.... But here is what I sent my tennis team...

In the spirit of New Year's, I have turned over a new leaf. My 2011 resolution is to take life more seriously, focus on working harder, selling more, and not waste any of my precious time with useless banter.

 

Consequently, I will not be discussing getting "stiff". Nor will I talk about getting tennis elbow, not from tennis, but from the websites sent to me by friends during the cold winter days.

 

I will also not mention the call I received from my tennis coach (Sam) last week where he said, "Randy, come on over. I want to show you a new grip. It might help you perform better" When I got there, Sam had no tennis racquet any where and he was grinning evilly at me. Needless to say, I went home and cried myself to sleep in the fetal position that night.  

 

I will also not make any jokes about gout. I have a little gout in my big toe, and there is nothing funny about that. It gets inflamed with alcohol and red meat. Coincidentally, my doubles partner - Steve - said he got his gout from too much tube steak -- I can't seem to find that cut of meat at Publix.

 

No, the new Randy will not dare talk about anything but Fox News, Taxes and serious medical conditions in 2011. Life is too short to joke around. I mean business. I know this depresses the team, but I need to keep my resolution in tact. Tennis anyone?

 

Randy

Vacations

There are some great vacation spots that you can spend a full week (or longer) and never see it all. Places like France, Italy, the US West Coast are all great examples. However most vacations are probably best done in 3 or 4 day increments.

You are probably saying, "but Randy, I like to take a week off from work at a time." I say, "nonsense -- break it up!" Here's why....

I just got back from a 4 day vacation to Disney. It was all the time I needed to see and ride everything in Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Hollywood Studios and Epcot... by using the early and late hours available at the park, I didn't have to wait very long for any ride. Thus the kids never screamed or cried that they wanted to leave. We'd go to the Parks in the early morning -- leave around lunch time when we were all somewhat tired. Then after a restful afternoon by the pool or napping, we were ready for the night times at the parks.

The beach is the same way... When you have a family, you cannot spend 7 days in the sand and in the sun relaxing. Impossible. I have tried. But as a father, most of my time is going between the big waves and little waves for my kids - then to the sand to build something that resembles a castle or dig a hole.... Persaonally I'd just body surf and lay in the sun if it were up to me, but it's never up to me. So 3-4 days in, I'm DONE.

Same with vacationing with family. Day one is always great. Livations a plenty, conversation is great and everyone is having fun. By day three you know why you moved away. then on the ride home, you complain to your spouse the whole way back - then vow to never do it again. But for some reason we do.

Keep it short and sweet and call it a day.

So if you only get 2 weeks a year, and you have kids, take long weekend vacations. Leave on a Friday, come back on Tuesday's -- You'll thank me later. (You get 5 vacations for the price of 2).

The Narcissistic Tongue Biter

Isn't it everyone's dream to have a book written about all they have done -- or is it just me. Well, regardless of what everyone else wants, I will do my best to keep this blog to what goes on around me versus what I do....

Let's be honest, it's easy to write about yourself.... but unless you kill someone, have weird sex stories, or are famous, no one really cares about what you do.... and since I don't fall into the buckets above, I guess my life is pretty normal.... (Well if you don't include that experiment I attempted many years ago. Ha)

Anyway, this is my blog... these are my stories.... This is my life. I will choose my stories carefully and avoid the ME ME ME complex of being Randy Rains.

Yes, I am a narcissist, but I will try to bite my tongue -- even if it causes me to bleed.